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Hello. I would like to understand why my sibling feels she was abused by the rest of the family. We have all been loving and have helped her in the best way we could, ran all her errands, did all the wedding arrangements, helped her during her divorce, helped her in her business, looked after her home when she was not in the country, looked after her pet and the list goes on.
But because we did not travel to be with her during her divorce ( we were on the email and phone everyday, helped financially and even found friends in the city where she lived to take care of her), she holds it against us.
She complains that when she visits us, we dont show her a good time, or plan a dinner in her honor ( we would take her out for dinner, as I am tired at the end of a long day and as i do not entertain, going out is a stress reliever and also while she is visiting, she will complain and fight, that plans eventually are cancelled)
She says we never sent her cards on significant occasions ( I would always email to wish or call. I do not plan in advance to buy cards and post it, and do not expect anyone to do so for me)
All this she says is emotional abuse.
Am I in the wrong?
Any advise is truly appreciated. Thank you
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Hi, shes wrong and what more does she want? What about her, what has she done to change the world lately???
Hi, shes wrong and what more does she want? What about her, what has she done to change the world lately???
fj,&&family dynamics are just really impossible to perceive over the internet so it's hard to try to weigh in on what's going on.
I think we've all seen families like this.&&Where there is one sibling who never feels like they got a fair shake in the family and everyone else is mystified as to why.
fj,&&family dynamics are just really impossible to perceive over the internet so it's hard to try to weigh in on what's going on.
I think we've all seen families like this.&&Where there is one sibling who never feels like they got a fair shake in the family and everyone else is mystified as to why.
What is or is not emotional abuse isn't really what she is griping about, so there is no point coming back and trying to define it so you can show how wrong she is in claiming it.&&In fact, there is little enough point in wasting your breath on this.&&Her grievances are because she has emotional needs that are not being fulfilled.&&She will still have the emotional needs that drive her to say things like that no matter whether you are able to argue her down about whether what is happening is emotional abuse.
I wouldn't even bother to dispute the label with her.&&I'd just say, &Well, this is as good as it is going to get, you're not a child any more nor are we your mommy.&&I guess if you want to be angry and blame us you're just going to have to be angry and blame us.&&&
But if you don't want to put it back into her lap her like that, you could write her a note that lays out the things you said above, i.e.:
&We have all been loving and have helped you in the best way we could, ran your errands, did your wedding arrangements, helped during the divorce, helped in your business, looked after your home when you were not in the country, looked after your pet.&&But because we did not travel to be with you during your divorce (we were on the email and phone everyday, helped financially and even found friends in the city where you lived to take care of you), you hold it against us.&&You complain that when you visit us, we don't show you a good time, or plan a dinner in your honor (we take you out for dinner, as I am tired at the end of a long day and do not entertain) and also while you are visiting, you complain and fight, and plans eventually get cancelled. You are angry that I email or call instead of mailing you cards on significant occasions, though I don't send cards to anyone, nor expect them.&&I guess this is the best I'm going to be able to do, you are either going to have to get used to it or we might have to detach a bit.&&&Then see what she says.&&
Keep in mind, emotional tennis is a two-person game, and it sounds like you are as determined to show her that you are right and she is wrong, as she is determined to show you that she is right and you are wrong, about the nature of the relationship.&&I wouldn't bother to play that game, myself.
What is or is not emotional abuse isn't really what she is griping about, so there is no point coming back and trying to define it so you can show how wrong she is in claiming it.&&In fact, there is little enough point in wasting your breath on this.&&Her grievances are because she has emotional needs that are not being fulfilled.&&She will still have the emotional needs that drive her to say things like that no matter whether you are able to argue her down about whether what is happening is emotional abuse.
I wouldn't even bother to dispute the label with her.&&I'd just say, &Well, this is as good as it is going to get, you're not a child any more nor are we your mommy.&&I guess if you want to be angry and blame us you're just going to have to be angry and blame us.&&&
But if you don't want to put it back into her lap her like that, you could write her a note that lays out the things you said above, i.e.:
&We have all been loving and have helped you in the best way we could, ran your errands, did your wedding arrangements, helped during the divorce, helped in your business, looked after your home when you were not in the country, looked after your pet.&&But because we did not travel to be with you during your divorce (we were on the email and phone everyday, helped financially and even found friends in the city where you lived to take care of you), you hold it against us.&&You complain that when you visit us, we don't show you a good time, or plan a dinner in your honor (we take you out for dinner, as I am tired at the end of a long day and do not entertain) and also while you are visiting, you complain and fight, and plans eventually get cancelled. You are angry that I email or call instead of mailing you cards on significant occasions, though I don't send cards to anyone, nor expect them.&&I guess this is the best I'm going to be able to do, you are either going to have to get used to it or we might have to detach a bit.&&&Then see what she says.&&
Keep in mind, emotional tennis is a two-person game, and it sounds like you are as determined to show her that you are right and she is wrong, as she is determined to show you that she is right and you are wrong, about the nature of the relationship.&&I wouldn't bother to play that game, myself.
Thank you for yours post and your clarity. You are right, She does have unfulfilled emotional needs. I do not want to play emotional tennis. I will tell her that I will be there for her as She is my sister, and I love her, but I would like for her to accept me for the kind of person I am. Do you think this is the best thing to do. Fj
Thank you for yours post and your clarity. You are right, She does have unfulfilled emotional needs. I do not want to play emotional tennis. I will tell her that I will be there for her as She is my sister, and I love her, but I would like for her to accept me for the kind of person I am. Do you think this is the best thing to do. Fj
Frankly, I would just leave the argument alone entirely and do what you do.&&Actions speak louder than words, and she will figure out eventually what you can offer and can't.&&The only way to stop an argument is to stop arguing.
Frankly, I would just leave the argument alone entirely and do what you do.&&Actions speak louder than words, and she will figure out eventually what you can offer and can't.&&The only way to stop an argument is to stop arguing.
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IS this emotional abuse?
Hello. I would like to understand why my sibling feels she was abused by the rest of the family. We have all been loving and have helped her in the best way we could, ran all her errands, did all the wedding arrangements, helped her during her divorce, helped her in her business, looked after her home when she was not in the country, looked after her pet and the list goes on.
But because we did not travel to be with her during her divorce ( we were on the email and phone everyday, helped financially and even found friends in the city where she lived to take care of her), she holds it against us.
She complains that when she visits us, we dont show her a good time, or plan a dinner in her honor ( we would take her out for dinner, as I am tired at the end of a long day and as i do not entertain, going out is a stress reliever and also while she is visiting, she will complain and fight, that plans eventually are cancelled)
She says we never sent her cards on significant occasions ( I would always email to wish or call. I do not plan in advance to buy cards and post it, and do not expect anyone to do so for me)
All this she says is emotional abuse.
Am I in the wrong?
Any advise is truly appreciated. Thank you
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