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The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show script
The Itchy & Scratchy Show gets a new character to boost ratings - Poochie the dog, voiced by Homer Simpson.
Episode , Season 8
First aired Feb 09, 1997
Written by David S. Cohen
Directed by Steve Moore
The episode opens with the Krusty the Klown show, and Krusty is covered
in cream pies.
I hope you enjoyed my one-man pie fight, kids! Now it's time for another
fanschmabulous episode of... Itchy and Scratchy!
The episode is titled &Why Do Fools Fall In Lava?& Itchy makes Scratchy
bungee jump into a volcano using his intestine. Scratchy dangles just
above the lava, and Itchy pours gasoline into him until Scratchy goes
up in flames. The Simpsons TV is turned on, displaying this episode, but
with no one watching. Marge walks through the living room and notices.
Kids? Kids? (She finds her children eating cereal in the kitchen.)
You're missing the Itchy & Scratchy Show. Don't you like it anymore?
(reading the back of a cereal box) Sure, we love it. But how can
we watch TV when it's so beautiful out? (pointing out the window)
Well, yeah, Mom. I mean, we love you and Dad too, but God knows we don't
need to see you every day.
An occasional hug is all I ask. (hugs him)
Mom! You can hug me when I'm asleep.
At Krustylu studios, Roger Meyers Jr. comes to Krusty's office.
Hey, Krusty, you look great. You get your teeth bleached?
Yeah, it's a new kind of polymer treatment... Hey, shut up! You're here
'cause your Itchy & Scratchy cartoons are stinking up my ratings. Look
at this breakdown of yesterday's show. (He shows Meyers the ratings
graph, with a huge dip in) Eh, eh, eh, KABOOM!
What happened here? Lightning hit the transmitter?
See, that's what I thought at first, but then... Hey, shut up! That crater
is where you lousy cartoon crash landed. It's ratings poison.
But Itchy & Scratchy is critically acclaimed!
Acclaimed!? (spits) I oughta replace it right now with that Chinese
cartoon where the robots that turn into... blingwads! (sits down in
his chair) But I'm a lazy, lazy man, Roger. So I'll give you one more
chance. Get out! Don't come back 'til you fixed &Itchy & Scratchy&!
Meyers walks out, slamming Krusty's office door so hard that it comes
of the hinges and falls to the floor. Sideshow Mel can be seen outside.
(off screen) Okay Mel, you can go in now.
Sideshow Mel enters, holding a tin can.
SIDESHOW MEL
Krusty, I've come to solicit donations for the Rock 'N Roll museum, and...
(Krusty stares at him) Uh... I'll come back later.
At Springfield Mall, Marge is shopping with the kids.
I need to purchase a brassiere. You kids wait over here in the credit
department.
Oh, can't we just wander around and meet you back here later?
Mmm...okay, just be careful.
Bart and Lisa run off. They run into a creepy-looking guy.
Would you kids like to come with me?
(simultaneously with Lisa) Sounds good to me! Let's go!
(simultaneously with Bart) Okay! Guess so.
Bart & Lisa participate in a focus group, along with several other
kids including Milhouse, Nelson and Ralph.
Alright, thanks for participating in our focus group, kids. Today, we're
going to show you some Itchy & Scratchy cartoons.
The kids cheer in delight.
We want you to tell us what you think. And, be honest, because no one
from the show is here spying on you. (chuckles)
A sneezing sound comes from a large mirror on the wall.
Why is that mirror sneezing?
Ah, look, it's just an old, creaky mirror, y'know, sometimes it sounds
a little like it's sneezing, or coughing, or talking softly.
The man gives a thumbs-up to the mirror.
Now, you each have a knob in front of you. When you like what you see,
turn the knob to the right. When you don't like what you see, turn it
(with knob in mouth) My knob tastes funny.
Please refrain from tasting the knob.
First up, Itchy & Scratchy play pool. Itchy knocks out Scratchy's
eyeballs with a cue ball and Scratchy replaces them with two pool balls.
The kids laugh turn their knobs to the right. The next cartoon is set
on an island. While Itchy & Scratchy sunbathe, a muscle-bound man in bikini
trunks flexes in front of the camera. Nelson turns Milhouse's knob repeatedly
to the right.
Hey, quit it!
From behind the mirror, Meyers and two other people watch on a monitor.
They like Itchy, they like Scratchy, one kid seems to love the Speedo
man... what more do they want?
Back with the focus group.
Okay, how many of you kids would like Itchy & Scratchy to deal with real-life
problems, like the ones you face every day? (the kids all cheer and
agree) And who would like to see them do just the opposite - getting
into far-out situations involving robots and magic powers? (more cheering)
So, you want a realistic, down-to-earth show... that's completely off-the-wall
and swarming with magic robots? (The kids agree)
Yeah, good.
And also, you should win things by watching!
The man sighs. The light is turned on in the observation booth, and
Meyers appears at the mirror.
You kids don't know what you want! That's why you're still kids: 'cause
you're stupid! Just tell me what's wrong with the freakin' show!
He turns the lights out. Ralph starts crying and turns his knob to
(talking to the mirror) Um, excuse me sir. The thing is, there's
not really anything wrong with the Itchy & Scratchy show, it's as good
as ever. But after so many years, the characters just can't have the same
impact they once had.
Meyers turns the light back on.
That's it. That's it, little girl! You've saved Itchy & Scratchy!
A lawyer enters the room, holding papers.
Please sign these papers indicating that you did not save Itchy & Scratchy.
At Itchy & Scratchy, Intl., Meyers has called a meeting of the writers
(who look strikingly similar to the real Simpsons writers) along with
Krusty and a female network executive.
I have figured out how to rejuvenate the show. It's so simple, you egghead
writers would've never thought of it! What we need is... a new character!
One that today's kids can relate to!
The writers look at each other, uncertain.
Are you absolutely sure that's wise, sir? I mean, I don't want to sound
pretentious here, but Itchy and Scratchy comprise a dramaturgical dyad.
Hey, this ain't art, it's business! (to Meyers) Whaddya got in
mind? Sexy broad? Gangster octopus?
No, no. The animal chain of command goes mouse, cat, dog. (to the writers)
Uh, a dog? Isn't that a tad predictable?
In your dreams. We're talking the original dog from hell.
You mean Cerberus?
(pause) We at the network want a dog with attitude. He's edgy,
he's &in your face.& You've heard the expression &let's get busy&? Well,
this is a dog who gets &biz-zay!& Consistently and thoroughly.
So he's proactive, huh?
Oh, God, yes. We're talking about a totally outrageous paradigm.
Excuse me, but &proactive& and &paradigm&? Aren't these just buzzwords
that dumb people use to sound important? Not that I'm accusing you of
anything like that. I'm fired, aren't I?
The rest of you writers start thinking up a nam I
dunno, something along the line of say... Poochie, only more proactive.
Meyers, Krusty and the network executive leave.
So, Poochie okay with everybody?
An animator, who looks like David Silverman, draws a sketch of a dog.
No, no, no! He was supposed to have attitude.
Um... wh-what do you mean, exactly?
Oh, you know, attitude, attitude! Uh... sunglasses!
Can we put him in more of a &hip-hop& context?
Forget context, he's gotta be a surfer. Give me a nice shmear of surfer.
I feel we should rastafy him by ... ten percent or so.
Silverman redraws Poochie. They're still not totally satisfied.
Hmm... I think he needs a little more attitude.
Silverman blackens in Poochie's sunglasses.
Oh yeah, bingo. There it is, right there!
Yeah, that's it!
I love it!
The next morning, The Simpsons eat breakfast. Bart notices the headline
in the newspaper Homer is reading: &Funny Dog To Make Life Worthwhile&.
Hey, Lis, look! They're adding a new character to Itchy & Scratchy! Poochie
Adding a new character is often a desperate attempt to boost low ratings.
A guy enters the kitchen.
Yo, yo! How's it hangin' everybody?
Morning, Roy!
Yeah, hi, Roy. Hey, there having open casting for the voice of Poochie.
You should try out, Dad. You have a funny voice.
Haven't you ever listened to yourself on a tape recorder?
I prefer to listen to Cheap Trick.
(holding up a tape recorder) Well, here. Say something.
Hey, this is Homer Simpson saying howdy to all the girls out there in
radio land. (Bart plays back the tape) Ah! I don't sound like that,
do I? Oh... I don't like having such a hilarious voice.
That hilarious voice could be your ticket to stardom.
At the auditions. First up is Otto.
(reading script) Whoa! A talking dog! What were you guys smokin'
when you came up with that?
We were eating rotisserie chicken. Can you just read the line, please?
Ruff, ruff. I'm Poochie, the rockin' dog!
You're perfect! In fact, you're better than perfect! Next to you, perfection
Troy McClure is up next.
Ruff, ruff! I'm Poochie, the rocking dog! Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may
remember me from such cartoons as &Christmas Ape& and &Christmas Ape Goes
to Summer Camp&.
You're even better than this guy! (to Otto) Take a hike, you bum.
Otto moans and walks off. Next it's Homer.
(clears throat) Ruff, ruff! I'm Poochie, the rockin' dog!
Now, that's just bad. You've got no attitude, you're barely outrageous,
and I don't know what you're in, but it's not my face. Next!
(angrily) Oh, no attitude, eh? Not in your face, huh? Well, you
can cram it with walnuts, ugly!
That's it! That's the Poochie attitude, do that again!
(sheepishly) Huh? I can't, I don't remember what I did.
Then you don't get the job. Next!
(sarcastically) Oh, I don't get the job, do I? Well boo-hoo! I
don't get to be a cartoon dog!
That's it, you've got the job!
Oh, now I've got the job, huh? (realizing) Oh, thank you.
Homer attends the recording session at Itchy & Scratchy studios.
Okay, Homer. Let's get a level check on your voice.
She smells sheep smells by the sheet shtore. Wait, wait. Let me try it
Relax Homer, you'll do fine. I'm June Bellamy. I do the voices of Itchy
and Scratchy.
You? But you're a lady!
(Itchy voice) She's a lady alright. (Scratchy voice) A beauuuuuutiful
(laughing) Hey, it really is you! How'd you get to be so good?
Oh, just experience I suppose. I started out as Roadrunner. (Roadrunner
voice) Meep!
You mean &meep-meep&?
No, they only paid me to say it once, then they doubled it up on the soundtrack.
Cheap bastards.
(handing them scripts) You folks ready to begin?
Uh, I guess. Is this episode going on the air live?
No, Homer. Very few cartoons are broadcast live, it's a terrible strain
on the animators' wrists.
Poochie hype grips Springfield. Homer and June make an appearance
at The Android's Dungeon, which is full of nerds (including Doug, Benjamin
and Gary from Homer Goes To College).
Hi. Question for Ms. Bellamy. In episode 2F09, when Itchy plays Scratchy's
skeleton like a xylophone, he strikes the same rib twice in succession,
yet he produces two clearly different tones. I mean, what are we to believe,
that this is some sort of a... (sniggering) magic xylophone or
something? Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.
Uh, well, uh...
I'll field that one. Let me ask you a question. Why would a man whose
shirt says &Genius at Work& spend all of his time watching a children's
cartoon show?
(embarrassed) I withdraw my question. (eats a chocolate bar)
Ah, excuse me Mr. Simpson. On the Itchy & Scratchy CD-ROM, is there a
way to get out of the dungeon without using the wizard key?
What the hell are you talking about?
You're a lifesaver, Homer, I can't deal with these hardcore fans!
COMIC BOOK GUY
Your attention, please.
Uh, in episode...
COMIC BOOK GUY
Your attention, please! Mr. Simpson will now be autographing eight-by-ten
glossies of Poochie, ONE per customer. Please form a line. There will
be no cutting. I'm talking to you, Mr. Cutter.
A few minutes later, CBG cuts through the crowd.
COMIC BOOK GUY
Pardon me, look out, pardon me, excuse me, hot soup... Hi. (puts down
glossies) Kindly make one out to me, and three out to my friend of
the same name.
The first episode with Poochie is about to air. The Simpsons' friends
and family gather in their living room.
I'm so glad you could join us for Homer's big premiere.
(in the background) You know, Poochie's based on me...
(sitting down) Is this seat taken, little girl?
I'm not a girl! Are you blind?
I am stoked, Mr. S.
Shh! Everybody it's coming on!
Krusty appears on-screen, lit by a dim spotlight. Slides appear behind
Once in a great while, we are privileged to experience a television event
so extraordinary, it becomes part of our shared heritage. (slide of
an astronaut on the moon) 1969 - Man walks on the moon. (slide
of astronaut playing golf on the moon) 1971 - Man walks on the moon...
again. (no slide) Then, for a long time, nothing happened. Until
tonight. Behold the future of Comedy: Poochie!!
The audience cheer and the cartoon starts, with altered theme music.
Poochie's voice:
(high voice) They fight, and bite... (low voice) and bark.
(high voice) They fight they fight and bite... (low voice)
and bark. (high voice) Fight fight fight (low voice) Woof
woof woof. (high voice) The Itchy and Scratchy... and Poochie show!
The episode is titled &The Beagle Has Landed.& Itchy & Scratchy are
driving together. They pass signs reading &Fireworks Factory 2 Miles&,
&Fireworks Factory 1 Mile&, then &Fireworks Factory ½ Mile&. They then
spot Poochie at the side of the road.
Look, Scratchy, it's our new friend, Poochie.
What's that name again? I forgot.
(rapping) The name's Poochie D, And I rock the telly, I'm half
Joe Camel, And a third Fonzarelli. I'm the kung fu hippie, From gangsta
city, I'm a rappin' surfer, You the fool I pity.
Ooh, Poochie is one outrageous dude.
He's totally in my face.
(playing guitar) Wiggity wiggity, Word up? Rock on party!
When are they going to get to the fireworks factory? (crying)
Can somebody tell me what the hell is going on? Midge, help me out here.
Quiet! You're missing the jokes!
Poochie dribbles a basketball while riding a bike, slam dunks it and
lands in Itchy & Scratchy's car.
Catch you on the flip side, dudemeisters. (holds out hand for high
five, Scratchy extends his arm and Poochie withdraws his) Not!!
(Homer's normal voice) Hey kids, always recycle... (as Poochie)
to the extreme!! Bust it!
Poochie drives off in Itchy & Scratchy's car. An awkward silence follows
in The Simpsons' living room.
Ah, that stunk!
So, what did everybody think?
Nobody answers and they start leaving.
Homer, I can honestly say that was the best episode of Impy & Chimpy I've
ever seen!
Yeah, you should be very proud, Homer, you, uh... got a beautiful home
Nelson punches Bart on his way out.
So, it was pretty okay, huh?
Mom, can we go to bed without dinner?
Yes we can. (They rush upstairs)
Well, at least I liked it. Didn't I? (pan up to brain)
Oh, you don't want to know what I really think. Now look sad and say &D'oh&.
The next morning at breakfast.
I'm the worst Poochie ever.
Ah, it's not your fault, dad. You did fine. It's just that Poochie was
a soulless by-product of committee thinking. You can't be cool just by
spouting off a bunch of worn-out buzzwords.
Don't have a cow, Lis.
Bart's right. Let's none of us have a cow. All that matters is that the
fans of the show liked it.
In the Android's Dungeon...
COMIC BOOK GUY
Last night's Itchy & Scratchy was, without a doubt, the worst episode
ever! Rest assured that I was on the Internet within minutes, registering
my disgust throughout the world.
Hey, I know it wasn't great, but what right do you have to complain?
COMIC BOOK GUY
As a loyal viewer, I feel they owe me.
What? They're giving you thousands of hours of entertainment for free.
What could they possibly owe you? I mean, If anything, you owe them.
COMIC BOOK GUY
(pause) Worst episode ever.
Kent Brockman delivers the news.
KENT BROCKMAN
It looks like the end of the venerable Itchy and Scratchy program. For
years, TV critics, such as yours truly, Kent Brockman, have waited impatiently
for cracks to appear in the show's hilarious facade. Yesterday, our prays
were finally answered when Poochie the Dog made his howlingly unfunny
debut. Far be it from me to gloat at another's downfall, but I have a
feeling that no children are gonna be crying when this puppy is put to
Krusty and the writers are watching the report.
What the hell happened?!
Well, I'd attribute the product failure to fundamental shifts in our key
demographic, coupled with the overall crumminess of Poochie.
(crying hysterically) You've got to stop this thing. Please, I'm
getting egged on the street. Do something! Do something!!
Homer enters.
Uh, hi, Mr. Meyers. I've been doing some thinking, and I've got some ideas
to improve the show. I got it right here. (pulls out a piece of paper)
One, Poochie needs to be louder, angrier, and have access to a time machine.
Two, whenever Poochie's not onscreen, all the other characters should
be asking &Where's Poochie&? Three--
Great, great. Just leave them right there on the floor on your way out.
Homer does so, but realizes something's wrong. He eavesdrops on the
meeting from a closet next door.
Listen guys, we've got to do something about Poochie.
There's only one thing we can do.
Homer hears something and is shocked. At dinner, Homer tells his family
what he heard.
Then they said they were going to kill Poochie off!
(joyful) Really?! (realizing) Oh, how terrible.
(trance-like) Yes. Terrible.
It's not your fault, Homer. It's those lousy writers. They make me madder
than a... um... yak in heat!
You're right Marge. it's not my fault. I won't let them treat Poochie
like dirt anymore just because he's the new guy.
Right on, Mr. S!
Put a sock in it, Roy.
At the recording studio.
Okay. So here is where Itchy lunges at Poochie with a rusty chainsaw.
Cue sound effects. (Sound guy makes chainsaw sound) Rustier!
(rustier chainsaw sound)
(as Itchy) Are you prepared to die, Poochie?
No, I am not.
Oh, cut, cut, cut, cut! You'll stick to the script as its written, Homer.
You're supposed to say &Please, cut off my head. I don't deserve to live.&
Never! (He tears he script in half,the writers gasp) You can't
just kill of a classic TV character. Poochie could be bigger than curly
fries. But first he has to win back the audience. That's why I'm going
to read these lines I wrote myself with my own two hands.
Forget it Homer. We can do this show without you, if we have to.
But not without me!
Let him try the new lines.
Alright. Alright. We'll try them. Action.
(as Itchy) Hi, Poochie. You look like you've got something to say.
(as Poochie) Yes, I certainly do! (normal voice) Hello there,
Itchy. I know there's a lot of people who don't like me and wish I would
go away. I think we got off on the wrong foot. I know I can come off a
little proactive, and for that I'm sorry. But if everyone could find a
place in their hearts for the little dog that nobody wanted, I know we
can make them laugh and cry until we grow old together.
(impressed) ...and cut!
June claps. Then slowly everyone else begins to clap.
Back at home, the new episode is about to air.
Now kids, I know you loved the old Poochie, but the new one is going to
be better than ten Super Bowls! I don't want to oversell it, judge for
At an ice sculpture contest, Itchy begins cutting into Scratchy with
a chainsaw. Suddenly, Poochie wanders by.
Hey, looks who's here.
Hi, Poochie. You look like you've got something to say. Do you?
Yes, I certainly do! (Poochie's mouth stops moving and Meyers' voice
is heard) I have to go now. My planet needs me.
The whole cel with Poochie on it is moved upwards. A screen shows
some handwritten text: &Note: Poochie died on the way back to his home
Wow, Poochie came from another planet?
Uh, I guess...
Hey that wasn't supposed to happen. Those finks double-crossed me.
Poochie's dead! (laughs) (kids in audience cheer) Well kids, we
all know that sometimes when cartoon characters die, they're back again
the very next week. That's why I'm presenting this sworn affidavit that
Poochie will never, ever, ever return!
This document conforms to all applicable laws and statutes.
BART & LISA
Yeah! ...oh.
Tough break, Dad. I guess people just weren't ready for Poochie. Maybe
in a few years.
Good news, everybody. I'm moving into my own apartment with two sexy ladies.
Oh, then I guess this is goodbye, Roy. Maybe we'll see you in a few years.
(she kisses him, and he leaves)
Well, I guess I learned my lesson. The thing is, I lost creative control
of the project. And I forgot to ask for any money. Well, live learn.
Later, Bart & Lisa watch an Itchy & Scratchy episode, back in its
original form. Itchy & Scratchy are doing a William Tell act. Itchy shoots
a bow and arrow at Scratchy, and it hits the apple on Scratchy's head.
He is relieved, but then realizes that the arrow pierced a tank of Carbolic
Acid, which leaks out and dissolves Scratchy's flesh. Bart & Lisa laugh.
It's back to the basics, classic &Itchy & Scratchy.&
We should thank our lucky stars that they're still putting on a program
of this caliber after so many years.
They both stare blankly for a few seconds.
What else is on?
Lisa changes the channel, screen goes to static and the credits roll.}