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Overcoming Your Nervousness About Talking to Women
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Standing at the magazine rack thumbing through Cosmo, she has the most gorgeous face you've ever seen.
Her hair is silky blond.
Her skin looks so radiant and so incredibly soft.
You would be on top
of the world if you could pick her this girl up.You feel the nervousness.You know that even if you got your balls in gear and went for it, you wouldn't know what to say.
You feel so nervous and fumbly that you would reject yourself if you were her.
So you shy away from even approaching her in the first place.Does this situation sound familiar?
If so, keep reading.The first thing for you to realize is that all guys get anxiety about approaching women. I know I certainly do.But what separates you (and me) from the rest of the guys is...What You Do About Your FearMost guys let fear paralyze them... not just about chicks, but about other things in their life like their career... which is why, unfortunately, most guys will never find the success that they want.First, look at where your fear comes from.
The problem is inside of you.
It's not with the chicks.If you're thinking about rejection, then that means you're making your approaches with a certain outcome in mind (I'm just guessing, but I think if you're like most guys, your goal is getting chicks attracted to you so that you can get laid).Try this instead... approach without having any expectations.
No goals.Let me tell you about a problem I used to have. I'm inclined to be an introvert, as I discuss in my book "How to Become an Alpha Male."So to overcome my shyness, I would force myself to chat up everybody, no matter who they were... hot girls, ugly girls, fat girls, old people, men, children, people walking dogs, etc.I would talk about neutral topics with them, nothing to do with picking up chicks.The net result from all of that was I became really good at approaching people.After that, however, I made a mistake.
I said to myself, "Since I'm so good at approaching people and have become an outgoing person, why am I wasting time talking to anyone other than hot babes?"So then I limited the people I talked to... and my anxiety about talking to random women swept over me once again.
It was as if I'd never had all that practice chatting up strangers in the first place.At that point I realized it was because I was outcome-dependent.
Because I had thoughts like "I'm going to try to lay this chick" in my mind... before I'd even opened my mouth to say "hi"... and so I would crash and burn.
It sucked.Here's something I want you to try.
Whenever you go out, talk to three people, but do it just for practice.
Don't do it for real.Because it's just for practice, don't limit yourself to just talking to hot women.
In general, I've found that elderly people (both males and females) and fat women are easy to talk to.If it helps, set up a time limit for your practice interactions, like that you'll talk to the person for 30 seconds and then you'll get out of the conversation.
(Say something like, "Well, I'm on my way to meeting a friend.
Good chatting with you."
And then walk away without making a big deal of it.)Another trick a friend of mine told me was to think of something funny before you chat up a stranger.
Tell yourself a joke as you're walking toward them and then laugh.
That'll put you in a good mood when you talk to the person.Once you've done your practices and feel warmed up, then you can chat up hot chicks. Again though, do it without having any sort of sex-related outcome in mind.
For example, if a chick passes by you in a hallway,
just say, "Hey, I need a quick female opinion on something."
(Then ask about something that you genuinely want a female opinion on.)Remember though: have no outcome in mind.
So it doesn't matter if the chick responds rudely.In fact, when you reach a point that you've chatted up lots of women, you'll find that eventually rude responses on their part mean nothing.
You'll have an attitude of "ha, how original... I've had tons of women give me that exact same 'clever' rude comment."I've been rejected hideously, time and time again.
One chick screamed "Go away!" at me before I could even get out my initial sentence.Another time I thought it was amusing when I approached a group of two girls, just for practice, and right after I said "hey," they both turned their backs on me in unison, as if they were synchronized dancers!Another time a chick got some guy to try to start a fight with me just because I talked with her.
I managed to get away without fighting, but I felt like a total chump afterwards.But now I just look back on all of that and laugh.So anyway, the point is that the more you approach, the more you'll reach a level where you notice that most people act in the same, predictable ways.
It'll bore you rather than cause you anxiety.Think of it as trying to build a house.
You put down one brick at a time and cement it.
Brick, cement.
Brick, cement.
It'll take a long time, but eventually, the walls will be up (which means you've finished the hard part).To get a bit more psychological, there's really no such thing as "being nervous,"
like it's something genetic.
You don't "get nervous," like it's some kind of flu virus that invades your body.All feelings of nervousness come from within.
You have a certain series of thought processes that you go through.
You say things to yourself.
(When you think thoughts like, "I would reject myself," it sets you up for failure!)
You picture the chicks rejecting you.
You feel tense in your body.
And so on.So what you can do to break this is to identify it for what it is.Notice your negative thoughts and change them.
Instead of thinking, "Oh my God, this chick is going to act snotty to me because I fumble my words"... think, "It's awesome that I'm making this approach, because if this chick rejects me, that means I've gotten her out of the way and I'm one step closer to finding my dream girl."Notice where you feel tense in your body, and then let your muscles relax in those areas.
For me, I feel tense in my jaw and face when I'm nervous.
So when I relax my jaw and facial muscles, it alleviates a lot of my tension.Finally, there's one more way to reduce anxiety that I got from Tony Robbins.
Before you approach a woman, you visualize the situation as if it has already occurred and you've just been rejected by her.But you know what?
Even when you get rejected, that's a good thing, because at least you went for it.
Every rejection brings you one step closer to success.
Every rejection makes it that much easier to making conversation, since it desensitizes you to the whole thing.So concentrate on how you'll feel afterwards and approach her as if the rejection has already occurred (and you feel happy for it), rather than focusing on what's going on before you've even made your approach.I'll wrap it up for you
by concluding with this advice:1) Be social for the sake of being social.
Nothing else.2) Remember that the only way to get over your fear is by doing the thing you fear.
The more you do it, the easier it gets, because your attitude about the experiences will become, "Been there, done that, it's no big deal."John Alexander is author of How to Become an Alpha Male, a dating success guide for men. Find out more about how this guide can help you by visiting http://www.becomingalpha.com
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Did you talking to me？中有无语法错误？
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两个意思不一样。一个是你刚才是在对我说话么？（过去进行式）一个是你刚才对我说话了么？（过去式？）
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两个意思不一样。第一个错了 过去进行式应该是were you talking to me？一个是你刚才对我说话了么？（过去式）
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请检查一下这几句话的语法1 before sleeping we always talking about something2 at that time（我不知道这里要用in还是on还是at）3 we are talking about study（study还是studying）4 i think it will help me to get taller5 she is as strong as three men（不要在意意义,这是我们同学的一个梗233）7 we were in the teacher's office and Jack was there,too8 because of this my deskmate in my primary school hits him all the time when he meets Harry
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1) we always TALK3)study是名称studying是动词所以是study其他的应该没错了
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Do media companies really believe that forcing us to watch will get us to care?
The other day I met a friend for coffee in Manhattan's financial district and found myself walking past the statue of George Washington that looms before Federal Hall. Soon Trinity Church appeared, where the clergy were coerced into becoming Loyalists during the Revolutionary War when British troops occupied the city and Washington had to make the agonizing decision to abandon New York to preserve the strength of the Continental Army.
This historic church burned to the ground in the great fire of 1776 and was rebuilt not once but twice, its final construction resulting in a magnificent 281-foot spire, which was the highest point on all of Manhattan Island until 1890, when The New York World Building heralded both the age of the skyscraper and the rise of the newspaper tabloids.
With every step I took, history washed over me, right up until the moment I hailed a cab, climbed in, and forgot where the heck I was.
This happens every time I jump in a cab, and I'm sure it happens to you.
The instant the taxi pulled away from the curb, my ears started buzzing and I felt the telltale signs of a seizure -- the type of neurological paralysis that can only be induced by forced exposure to unwanted media. The tiny TV installed in the back seat had come to life, and its sound and fury demanded my attention.
Kelly and Michael share a new exercise regimen while the crowd roars its approval...Michael does a silly dance right before the morning show's logo appears and theme music ricochets around the cab...
...cut to a late-night talk show hosted by a comedian who has never been particularly funny, playing a game with an actress who once got nominated for an Oscar, the forced hilarity of it all feeling like a desperate attempt to compete with all the other late-night talk shows hosted by funnier comedians...
...followed by a short film that reeks of product placement, a thinly disguised ad for new winter fashions from a second-tier designer, a dog thrown into the montage to assure me the brand is fun and accessible...
The cab lurched to a halt, I blinked, and suddenly this historic city was just outside my window. The TV had gone silent and my out-of-body experience had ended.
A momentary sense of peace returned until I glanced back at the screen, where the fare now appeared on the little TV, offering me the choice of cash versus credit. (Convinced the NSA is already tracking me and everyone else via our cell phones, I pulled out my credit card, and that's when things got really annoying.) Because as soon I'd selected credit, the tiny-torture-screen started talking in a clipped, patronizing voice: Payment method selected...PLEASE...enter tip amount!
Then the tip options appeared, starting at twenty percent.
Now if my cab driver had spoken English, which I knew he didn't because it had been incredibly difficult to give him directions when he got lost in Tribeca, I've no doubt he would've agreed that 20% is a fairly generous tip, since the only reason we arrived anywhere near my destination is that I did half the work by navigating.
And though the whiplash had been far less severe than my last taxi ride, the options of upping the ante to 25% or 30% didn't seem amenable either.
I didn't want to shaft the hapless driver, so I selected the twenty percent solution, as always.
For native New Yorkers there is nothing new here, but is the talking TV really and truly necessary?
The only reason the screen starts squawking is to nag us into giving a tip -- it doesn't provide any verbal guidance for the blind or even tell us to have a nice day.
It commands us to do something we were probably going to do anyway.
No wonder Uber is taking off.
They might have the occasional sketchy driver, and surge pricing is like playing Russian roulette, but once I'm in the car they don't try to sell me anything or tell me what to do.
As for the so-called entertainment on Taxi TV, presumably the networks so desperate for ratings just showed me their best clips from last week's show, so there's not much incentive to go watch more, but if I am truly intrigued then I'm more likely to search for a specific skit or interview on Youtube than start watching broadcast TV again.
This is the essence of the broadcaster's dilemma -- in a world of Hulu, Netflix, newsfeeds, video games and cat videos -- I already have too many choices, and most of them are better than yours.
And if I wanted to watch TV then I'd be home on my couch, not driving through the most interesting city in the world.
So please, take the TVs out of our taxis and let us go back to looking at our phones -- I mean, looking out our windows -- because the world is passing us by.
Bestselling author and Chief Strategy Officer for Havas Worldwide
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