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3秒自动关闭窗口Posted by anya on June 22nd, 2014 filed in
“Sometimes, I sit alone under the stars
and think of the galaxies inside my
heart, and truly wonder if anyone will
ever want to make sense of all that
I am.”
— Christopher Poindexter
Posted by anya on June 22nd, 2014 filed in
“I’m lonely. And I’m lonely in some horribly deep way and for a flash of an instant, I can see just how lonely, and how deep this feeling runs. And it scares the shit out of me to be this lonely because it seems catastrophic.”
— Augusten Burroughs
Posted by anya on July 31st, 2013 filed in
Posted by anya on March 5th, 2013 filed in
begin with the beginning. begin with a letter, a word, two words, a punctuation mark. begin without the thing you thought you needed to begin. begin with hating the beginning. begin with admitting to yourself that this is both stronger than you’d like it to be.
Being here is skewing my sense of what is normal. Things don’t feel the same way that I expect them to (we’re back to Matty, aren’t we? so much time spent waiting in my wallet.), and I think I’m still reacting to that. It started with the immediacy of no longer having you around – and then today I was listening to a monologue and it described how it happened and I felt just slightly more broken (broken down) after having heard it. like the deepest sigh you can imagine, amplified by the residue of not enough sleep and too much time spent milling over everything. and then there are the rifts of a different kind – the stuff you don’t think about, the banal stuff that just makes you go ‘shit, it’s changed, hasn’t it?’. It’s all so strange, this melancholy that follows you everywhere except the ocean. the highs and lows and highs and lows. and maybe what hurts the most is how predictable it all is.
—–
tambahan: show up in the middle of the night. don’t knock. don’t turn on the lights. don’t say a single word. lie down and put your arm exactly where it belongs. fall asleep. stay.
Posted by anya on March 1st, 2013 filed in
driving down the bypass, or perhaps on my way to get the bike, i cannot remember. but it was good. i was thinking about how incongruent all this is, and whether perhaps i am trying too hard to make it all fit. is it possible for the heart to feel so much more than it is entitled to? It was bound to happen, but tonight just happened to be the time and place. the exact moment when… when you remembered why you had forgotten and when I remembered why I still remember. I don’t want to be dramatic, I just want you to know that I understand how fucked up this whole existence is. and how I’m never sure which one of us wins. and how I wish that the playing field was somehow more even (but would you have noticed me if it had been?). or perhaps that the playing field had just given you a chance to make something of yourself that didn’t have to be realized through the insecurity of someone else. through the insecurity that portrays itself as love, and you fall so quickly. and when you’re there you can’t quite figure out how you got there. all there is is this keyboard, and this space, and this lateness. it’s past three now, and this is the best time to feel alone.
Posted by anya on November 6th, 2012 filed in
what is alll this tequila sunrise, i wish i was the one you… complete this fucking sentence
Posted by anya on November 1st, 2012 filed in
Мне нравится, что Вы больны не мной,
Мне нравится, что я больна не Вами,
Что никогда тяжёлый шар земной
Не уплывёт под нашими ногами.
Мне нравится, что можно быть смешной —
Распущенной — и не играть словами,
И не краснеть удушливой волной,
Слегка соприкоснувшись рукавами.
Мне нравится ещё, что Вы при мне
Спокойно обнимаете другую,
Не прочите мне в адовом огне
Гореть за то, что я не Вас целую.
Что имя нежное моё, мой нежный, не
Упоминаете ни днём, ни ночью — всуе…
Что никогда в церковной тишине
Не пропоют над нами: аллилуйя!
Спасибо Вам и сердцем и рукой
За то, что Вы меня — не зная сами! —
Так любите: за мой ночной покой,
За редкость встреч закатными часами,
За наши не-гулянья под луной,
За солнце не у нас над головами,
За то, что Вы больны — увы! — не мной,
За то, что я больна — увы! — не Вами!
3 мая 1915 / цветаева марина
Posted by anya on June 18th, 2012 filed in
“The denizens of Shoreditch Mildmay Park should have inverted commas tattooed on their temples because everything they think or say comes with the bunny ears of irony, doused in ironic vinegar. Shoreditch The Volgine is too cool to care. This is the alternative land where things are m where bikes not only don’t have gears, the don’ where trousers don’ a land without socks. I am lost in it, geographically, culturally, symbolically, chronologically, and ironically.”
Posted by anya on January 2nd, 2012 filed in
not surpising. starting another year off with something/one that does not belong to me. I wish i could type quicker and think better and love purely and remember how things were. I wish i could be a little bit more honest with myself and with you, and I wish i could answer your question by screaming that it is right heeeerrrreeee. tomomorrow will blend into today and i will remember the red and the yellow and the things that you said and what I could not deny to be true. I wish i hadnt opened the window and let go and asked for tea and wished for things to be better than they are. I wish I could hang on. Instead of resolutions I have ifs, the mode of being, the reason for fights and late nights and getting home at five in the morning and wishing I had said yes. and wishing i had danced, and wishing i had known how to be less lonely, and wishing i could have held onto this moment for ever and ever and ever and ever. and hoping you got home safe. and turning off the lights a little bit earlier than i planned. and keeping promises. and not wanting to ever go back. and wishing that i had said things differently. and wanting this everthing to go away. it is a new year, but it is the same person it has always been, and that makes me just a little bit broken.
Posted by anya on June 5th, 2011 filed in
hard to believe that this weekend is the six-month anniversary of me and London. It seems cliche to make a commentary on how quickly time flies, and yet it’s probably worth noting how alien this experience still feels sometimes. I oscillate between extremes, as I tend to, of absolutely loving my lifestyle and feeling lucky to be where I am, and then also of constantly questioning whether there’s any of me still left in any of these moments. It’s true that, when removed from the people who affirm who you always thought you were, it becomes a lot easier to doubt things you thought you’d established long ago. There’s also perhaps the reality of having a full-time job, of having a bathtub to clean, of having a lunch to prepare. I am scared by the fact that I’ve had so few moments that have urged me to write, to use words as a conduit for passion and expression and release. Wherever that came from before feels like a reservoir that’s dried up, or maybe bulldozed over by Excel spreadsheets ad e-mail signatures and fatigue. It’s not helpful, thinking of any of this as a sacrifice, but sometimes it sure feels that way. This city and I are in limbo, and it’s raining and my tea’s gone cold.
time travel
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The following is an episode list for the
Episode Title
Words in Mandarin Chinese
November 5, 2007
Dragonboat Festival
is going to have a dragon boat festival. When Rintoo and Kai-Lan lose at the first dragon boat race because Rintoo wasn't following the peeking mice's drumbeat, he gets really mad. Kai-Lan has to show him what to do when you feel too mad.
你好nǐ hǎo - hello, 爺爺yé yé - Grandpa, 我来了wǒ lái le - I'm coming, 一、二、三yī, èr, sān - one, two, three, 跳tiáo - jump, 謝謝xiè xiè - thank you, 再見zài jiàn - goodbye
November 12, 2007
Everybody's Hat Parade
The gang is going to have a hat parade but Hoho copies Rintoo's hat and Rintoo gets mad because he believes his hat isn't special anymore. Kai-lan teaches Rintoo that Hoho copied his hat because he liked it so much.
帽子mào zǐ - hat
July 8, 2008
Twirly Whirly Flyers
While playing Twirly Whirly Flyers, Tolee accidentally breaks the ants' bridge and runs away.
紅色hóng sè - red, 綠色lǜ sé - green, 哎呀āi-yā - Oh, no!
July 15, 2008
Safari Pals
The gang is going on a safari, and Rintoo gets jealous of Stompy the Elephant because he wants to be big like him.
推tuī - push
July 22, 2008
Hoho's Big Flight
It's the lantern festival, but Hoho isn't listening to Ye Ye's instructions, and loses his lantern. And what's worse, Hoho doesn't know how to listen.
聼tīng - listen, 汤圆tāng yuán - Sticky Rice Dumplings
July 28, 2008
The Snowiest Ride
The gang is going sledding to see the ice sculptures, but Tolee is afraid of heights. Kai-Lan helps Tolee by breaking it down into small steps.
雪xué - snow, 抱抱bào bào - hug, tiáo - jump, āi yā - Oh, no!
August 5, 2008
Tolee's Rhyme Time
The gang is going to have a music show, with Kai-Lan on tambourine, Rintoo on xylophone, Hoho on turntables and Tolee on vocals. Tolee is going to sing a rhyming song, but he was having a hard time rhyming and quickly gives up.
上shàng - up, 下xià - down
August 12, 2008
Kai-Lan's Campout
The gang is having a campout at Upa's homeland, but when they want to play with Tolee's panda doll Pandy, he refuses to share him. Kai-Lan needs to remind him to be a good friend and share.
拖鞋tuō xié - slippers, 手電筒shǒu diàn tǒng - flashlight, 牙刷yá shuā - toothbrush, 毯子tǎn zi - blanket, 袜子wà zi - socks, 枕头zhěn tou - pillow, 短裤duǎn kù - underwear, 睡袋shuì dài - sleeping bag
August 19, 2008
Wait, Hoho, Wait!
Hoho is having a hard time waiting for Rintoo's car to be done, so he jumps in and breaks the car when it's still not ready. Kai-Lan tries to help Hoho find a way to be patient.
推tuī - push, 饺子 - dumplings, 筷子kuài zi - chopsticks, 汽车 qì chē - car, 四sì - four, 五wǔ - five
August 26, 2008
The Ant Playground
The ants are building a playground, and Kai-Lan and the others are going to help by building a tire swing for them, but they build the wrong size swing.
上shàng - up, 下xià - down, 火车huǒ chē - train, 滑梯huá tī - slide, 蚂蚁mǎ yǐ - Ant
September 2, 2008
Happy Chinese New Year!
While the Dragon Team carries the dragon to the Chinese New Year Parade, Rintoo gets upset and quits because he doesn't want to be in the "boring" middle. So Kai-lan needs to teach Rintoo that his job as a team is important.
新年快樂！xīn nián kuài lè - Happy Chinese New Year!, 龙lóng - , 恭喜gōng xǐ - Congratulations
September 9, 2008
Ni Hao, Halloween
After spraining his ankle, Rintoo has to stay in bed, and starts crying because he can't go trick or treating with his friends. Kai-Lan and her friends refuse to go without him, and need to find a way for him to go trick or treating with his friends.
跳tiáo - jump, 糖táng - sugar, 孫悟空Sun Wukong - Monkey King, 哭泣Kūqì - Sob
September 16, 2008
When the waves knock over Tolee's sandcastle three times, he gets angry and stomps on his friends' whole sandcastle. Kai-Lan needs to get Tolee to calm down so they can finish the sand castle.
貝殼bèi ké - seashell, 挖wā - dig, 螃蟹páng xiè - crab, āi yā - Oh, no!
September 30, 2008
Roller Rintoo
Rintoo wants to be good at roller skating, but it's really hard at first, until he learns to take it slow.
快kuài - fast, 溜冰鞋liù bīng xié - roller skates, 頭盔tóu kuī - helmet, 護膝hù xī - knee pads
October 7, 2008
Rain or Shine
Kai-Lan's friends are sad because they can't play with their stuff in the rain. Kai-Lan has to teach them that there are some things you can do in the rain. Note:This is the only episode that features two problems instead of one and the first time Rintoo,Tolee and Hoho solve the problem instead of Kai-Lan. The only other episode to use the problem solved by Kai-lan's friends are Kai-Lan's Big Surprise and The Dinosaur Balloon
拉la - pull, 青蛙qīng wā - frog, 蜗牛wō niú - snail, 乌龟wū guī - turtle, 虫子chóng zi - worm
October 14, 2008
Kai-Lan's Carnival
Rintoo and Hoho run away when they accidentally break Stompy's rollercoaster.So Kai-lan needs to teach Hoho and Rintoo that they need to say sorry,and help fix it.
八bā - eight, 拉la - pull
October 21, 2008
Kai-Lan and Lulu have a special play date but can't figure out what to play together because they want to play with different things. So they learn how to .
吹chuī - blow, 風車feng chē - pinwheel, 太阳tài yáng - sun, 手镯shǒu zhuó - bracelet, 熊猫xióng māo - panda, 跑车pǎo chē - race car, 茶壶chá hú - teapot
October 28, 2008
Sports Day
When Rintoo wins at the dinosaur games, he brags about it and it causes Tolee and Hoho to quit playing the games. Kai-Lan has to show Rintoo that he needs to learn to say something nice when you win games.
恐龍kǒng lóng - dinosaur, 开始kāishǐ - begin, 预备yù bèi - get ready
November 4, 2008
Kai-Lan's Trip to China
Kai-Lan and her friends travel to China to visit her great aunt and see the naming of a baby panda. Rintoo, Hoho, and Tolee got scared to try something new in China. The Baby Panda is scared to ride a boat for the first time. Originally shown as a double-length episode, generally shown as two parts.
姑奶奶gū nǎi nai - great aunt, 我叫Wǒ jiào - My name is..., 西瓜xī guā - watermelon, 小xīao - little, 开心kāi xīn - , 姐姐jiě jie - big sister, 妹妹mèi mei - little sister, 哥哥gē ge - big brother
Episode Title
Words in Chinese
The Ladybug Festival
The gang gets lost on their way to the ladybug festival because Rintoo and Hoho's silly loud chatter causes Tolee to get frustrated, because they aren't listening to Tolee. Kai-Lan has to get them to listen because Tolee has something important to say.
小鸟xiǎo niǎo - bird
The Dinosaur Balloon
After Kai-Lan accidentally breaks her own dinosaur balloon, Stompy doesn't want to help her because it wasn't his fault that the balloon broke. It's up to Rintoo to convince Stompy that helping others is part of being a good friend. Note :This is the first of 3 episodes that the problem and song part is done by Kai-Lan's friends instead of her. The only other episodes are Kai-Lan's Big Surprise and Rain or Shine
手臂gē bo - arm, 牙齿yá chǐ - teeth, 眼睛yǎn jing - eyes
Playtime at Tolee's
Tolee invites Kai-Lan, Rintoo, and Hoho for a playdate at his boat house for the day, but when Rintoo accidentally rips Tolee's painting, Tolee gets angry and doesn't forgive Rintoo because he's different from the others, which makes Rintoo feel sad. Kai-Lan teaches Tolee that forgiving others is part of being a good friend.
苹果píng guǒ - apple
The Moon Festival
Hoho is sad because the moon is covered by a cloud on his first moon festival. Kai-lan teaches Hoho to find a way to make things better.
月饼yuè bǐng -
Kai-Lan's Big Play
Hoho is angry that Rintoo is chosen to be The Monkey King in their play instead of him, so Hoho quits. Kai-lan needs to teach Hoho that he needs to say what's making him mad.
跳tiào - jump
Kai-Lan's Big Surprise
Kai-Lan wants to have a thank-you party for Ye Ye but a huge gust of wind knocks over everything Kai-Lan had set up for the party, which causes Kai-Lan to cry. Note:This is the only of 3 episodes that Rintoo,Tolee and Hoho do the problem instead of Kai-Lan. The only other episodes to use this feature is The Dinosaur Balloon, School Day, and Kai-lan Makes a Super Special Birthday Present for Yeye.
我爱wǒ ài - I
Rintoo's Big Flip
Kai-Lan and her pals get to take part in a show with The Chinese Rabbit Acrobats. However, Rintoo doesn't practice his flips, so he gives up with tears, and he quits the show.
圆形yuán xíng - Circle
Stompy Rides Again
Kai-Lan and her friends are riding a train to Hula Duck Island, but Stompy can't ride because there aren't any more empty seats and begins to cry. Kai-Lan and her friends learn to find a way for everyone, including Stompy, to play.
蓝色lán sè - blue, 橙色chéng sè - orange
Rintoo Makes a Splash
The gang is having a lot of fun at a water park but Rintoo plays too rough, upsetting Tolee and Hoho. Kai-Lan teaches Rintoo to play in a gentle way so everyone can play and have fun.
水shuǐ - Water
The Ants Dance
Kai-Lan's band and the ants prepare for a talent show, but the show is almost ruined when Bubu gets bossy and makes all the choices. So Bubu learned that if his friends have a choice,everyone will feel happy and they can have a splendid time.
跳舞tiào wǔ - Dance
Tolee's Turn
Kai-Lan and her friends go sailing and play hide-and-seek with the Dolphins. Things are at a standstill when Rintoo gets carried away and doesn't give Tolee a turn. Kai-Lan needs to show Rintoo the importance of taking turns so everyone can play.
海豚hǎi tún - Dolphin
It's a snowy day, and Kai-Lan and her friends are building a snowcoaster that they can all ride! Everyone has a job to do, but an overprotective Rintoo keeps taking little Hoho's jobs, that makes him sad because he wants to help out. Kai-Lan and the viewer need to help Rintoo see that even though Hoho is small, he still likes to help.
推tuī - push
Lulu's Cloud
Kai-Lan and her friends are invited to play at Lulu's house. But Hoho is feeling uncomfortable, scared, and sad because things are different. Kai-Lan and the viewer need to show Hoho there's nothing to be afraid of and try different things.
气球qì qiú - balloon
Kai-Lan's Playhouse
Kai-Lan and her friends are going to decorate their brand-new playhouse. But when Hoho can't get the art supplies he wanted for his wall he got extremely furious, he punches Rintoo! This prompts Ye Ye to send Hoho to time-out until he can calm down. It's up to Kai-Lan and the viewer need to teach Hoho that hitting is wrong, and he should use his words.
恐龍kǒng lóng - dinosaur
Pandy's Puddle
Kai-Lan and her friends are picking vegetables for the garden celebration. When Pandy falls into a mud puddle, Ye Ye takes him to be washed, but Tolee is upset to be away from him, even for a minute. Kai-Lan needs to help Tolee remember that Pandy will be back soon .
胡萝卜hú luó bo - carrot
Tolee's Promise
When the snails' Merry-go-round breaks, Kai-Lan and her friends agree to build a new Merry-go-Round for the baby snails. When Tolee promises to help, he runs off to go see the ants' scooter race. Kai-Lan needs to show Tolee that he should be a good friend and keep his promise.
转zhuàn - spin
The Place Where We All Live
The ants, snails, and worms are busy building a new fruit stand in Ant City. When Ye Ye gives Kai-Lan and her friends kites for a present, they forget about the wrapping paper, causing problems for the ants, snails, and worms when their trash gets everywhere. Kai-Lan and her friends need to help take care of the place where they all live before the insects find out.
风筝fēng zheng - kite, 拉lā - pull
The Hula Duck Dance Party
The Hula Ducks are having a dance party on the beach, and Kai-Lan and her friends are invited. While playing musical chairs, Tolee has to sit out every time because he lost when he didn't follow instructions by acting fast to sit in a chair when the music stops, and starts crying because he can't play with his friends. Kai-Lan has to find a way for Tolee to play so he won't be left out.
跳舞tiào wǔ - Dance
Princess Kai-lan
When the Monkey King visits Kai-lan and her friends, he needs her help in a magical kingdom where the foxes and the bears do not talk to each other. Kai-lan and her friends travel to the kingdom of foxes and bears to try and get them to talk to each other, but it may prove to be Kai-lan's greatest challenge yet. So Kai-lan teaches the fox and bear to say when making them mad, so their friends can help them. (Double length episode)
跳tiào - jump, 朋友péng yǒu - friend, 吹chuī - blow, 狐王hú wáng - Fox King, 熊后xióng hòu - Bear Queen, 公主gōng zhǔ - Princess
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