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Even in the closest of relationships, each person at times needs space. That is time to be alone, time to just be. Even as a couple, we are still two individuals and to grow as a couple, we must also be permitted to grow as an individual.
I believe that some people get caught up in their romantic view of a long term relationship and believe that soul mates must desire to be with each other all of the time. Often times, this thought of being together every moment is perpetuated by the way we initially feel when we make that unique connection with the person whom we view as our soul mate.
As a couple, it is natural to desire to be with each other whenever it is possible to be together. I believe it is natural for us to desire to share our lives fully with each other and be joined at the hip. The caveat to this is that even while we have a desire to be with each other all the time, we also must understand that there are times when one person or both will need to have time to be alone.
This may seem very logical to many who read this, however when one person in a relationship tells the other person that they need to be alone, the other person often feels offended. The offended person&s ego gets in the way, they often feel hurt. They may become concerned as to why the person who they desire with all of their soul has a need to be alone. They ask themselves, what could they have done wrong. Why does he/she not want to be with me right now? If she/he is upset, why doesn&t he/she want me to be with them? Why are they shutting me out?
Often times when one half of a couple states that they need to be left alone, it has nothing to do with the other half of the couple. The person does not need to be left alone because of what the other one has said or done. It has nothing to do with how much they love you.
Matter of fact, it probably has nothing to do with you at all. Sometimes we simply need to be alone to sort things out, whatever those things are.
Unfortunately, this is not what the other person sees when they hear from the one they love that they want to be left alone for a while. Their ego gets bruised and they take the other person’s need to be alone as an affront to them and, in doing so, insist on not allowing the other person to have some space without first grilling them as to why they need their space. This grilling in turn upsets the person who needs space and creates a bigger problem than first existed ,which often escalates into a disagreement, hurt feelings, etc.
Not allowing another person to have their space is often spurred by insecurity.
This insecurity is a by-product of the ego. Our ego loves to be control and the moment it is not in control, our ego begins to fabricate all kinds of thoughts and feelings that are not healthy, such as resentment, jealousy, etc.
When our significant other expresses that he/she needs some space, needs some alone time, the loving thing to do is to back off and permit that alone time. We must allow the person whom we love so dearly to have the time they need with the understanding that their need to be alone is not a personal attack against us. When we allow this alone time from a state of love, then we do not feel threatened by it and the other person does not feel guilty for needing to have alone time. This allows the alone time to be a positive experience for each person in the relationship which in the end will serve to strengthen the relationships rather than diminish it.
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For one friend it looked like her boyfriend loved her so much he wanted to know where she was at all times. For another, a kind man who just wanted to take stress off his girlfriend (asking her to quit her job & stay home). For yet another friend, her relationship seemed to change her personality—she didn’t like to dance or enjoy time with friends anymore. These relationships all turned out to be characterized by emotional abuse.
If the statistics are true,
have been in emotionally abusive relationships —but it’s generally quite difficult to pinpoint because the abusers are good manipulators (i.e. they tend to smooth over their bad behavior and make you believe it&#8217;s your fault).
I want us to talk about emotional abuse—define it and look at some warning signs—in hopes that you will be able to stand strong and not suffer through one of these volatile relationships.
Emotional Abuse is defined as behavior and language designed to degrade or humiliate someone by attacking their self-value or personality. &#8220;Emotional abuse is a form of abuse where a person treats another in a psychologically harmful way. It is a silencing attack on the self-esteem of a human being: in the end the victim feels so small that there is no talk-back possible.&#8221; (). Several studies have found that up to 35 percent of women have been in romantic relationships that were emotionally abusive, and that such abuse was the greatest risk factor for and predictor of physical abuse ().
Signs you are in an emotionally abusive relationship:
Makes you feel nervous or like you’re &#8220;walking on eggshells.”
Asks you to change jobs or careers, or even quit a job, because he wants you home (i.e. to control you)
Is extremely jealous and accuses you of flirting with other men and lashes out when you have a simple conversation.
Constantly needs to know where you are, who you are with, and what you are doing (i.e. even time with girlfriends is monitored closely as if you are a his child)
Puts you down, calls you names or criticizes you.
Makes you feel like you can’t do anything right or blames me for problems.
Makes you feel like no one else would want you.
Threatens to hurt you, your friends or family—but then says he was just ‘overreacting’.
He checks your cell phone or email without permission.
You have changed your lifestyle, personality, hobbies and/or job because he asked you to.
What emotional abuse sounds like:
“You shouldn&#8217;t spend so much on clothes, you don’t have a good figure anyways.&#8221;? “Why are you always disrespecting me in public and flirting with other men.” &#8220;Don&#8217;t complain about how bad you have it, do you think any one else could date you?” &#8220;One of these days you&#8217;ll wake up, and I&#8217;ll be gone.&#8221;? &#8220;You don&#8217;t know the first thing about finances.&#8221; “You are such a b%&*—it’s a wonder I put up with you.” “I want you to stay home, so I can keep an eye on you.”
Arguably, the most detrimental aspect of emotional abuse is women who are being emotionally abused feel trapped, and they tend to internalize their partners abuse. They believe if they change how they behave, speak, dress, socialize, and work, then their partner will stop criticizing them or flying into rages. As a result, women in these types of relationships gradually lose their identities.
If you find yourself walking on eggshells, constantly thinking about how to avoid upsetting your significant other and believing it’s all your fault—I encourage you to take the steps to talk to trusted friend or counselor about abuse. He wants you to think that you are the problem—but I hope you find an ounce of courage to talk to someone today. You deserve more, so much more, and I pray you know how deeply you are loved. I can&#8217;t say much about my history with this subject, but I understand what you are going through and I promise it won&#8217;t be easy to cut ties, but I also promise you&#8217;ll never regret it.
Have you been in an emotionally abusive relationship? How did you get out? How would you advise someone going through emotional abuse?
{Disclaimer: women can be emotional abusers just as easily as men, but since most of my readers are women, I decided to focus on just one aspect of abuse.}
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I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 4 years from ages 15-19. I became pregnant before I knew how bad it was, obviously i didn&#8217;t know the signs at that age {neither did my mom, she never experienced it} I stayed in it because we had a baby but through God&#8217;s calling and strength, Christina Aguilera&#8217;s Stripped CD and some strategically placed people in my life, I was able realize I was worth more and I gained the courage to break it off. It was hard and for about 6 months he didn&#8217;t want to accept it and tried to make my life a living hell. I didn&#8217;t let him. He hasn&#8217;t changed. He&#8217;s not around and its better that way.
I want to write my story on my blog but I just can&#8217;t get it done, for some reason i&#8217;m a little scared. But i just shared part of my story here, so maybe this is a step in the process.
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